submitted on23 Jan 2009
points1820
up votes2222
down votes402

funny

(101540 subscribers)

a community for 1 year

popotytang 8 points 17 days ago[-]

whats the hardest part about rollerblading?

telling your dad youre gay.

Mert86 14 points 17 days ago[-]

i cant seem to post my own joke so fuck it....whats the difference between Jesus, and a picture of Jesus?

it only takes one nail to hang the picture

babloi 7 points 26 days ago[-]

what do you call a mexican with a rubber toe?

roberto!

corporaldanny 5 points 1 month ago[-]

Husband and wife...

BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait! Wife - Do you want me to leave? Husband - No! Don't even think about it. Wife - Do you love me? Husband - Of course! Always have and always will! Wife - Have you ever cheated on me? Husband - No! Why are you even asking? Wife - Will you kiss me? Husband - Every chance I get! Wife - Will you hit me? Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?! Wife - Can I trust you? Husband - Yes. Wife - Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

insert_name_here 4 points 1 month ago[-]

What's the worst part about having sex with Marilyn Monroe? Maggots.

robbutto 19 points 1 month ago[-]

A lawyer is sitting in his parked BMW when a tow truck crashes into the car. The crash takes car door clean off and the driver speeds away. The lawyer immediately signals a cop and begins ranting about how much the damage to his car is going to cost. The cop replies, "You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money." The lawyer says, "How DARE you call me materialistic." The cop replies, "Well, you've been so concerned about your car that you didn't notice that your arm is missing." The lawyer screams, "FUCK! My Rolex!"

solly85 7 points 1 month ago[-]

A Jew and a fag go to heaven.

St. Peter tells the Jew, "We're full, so you can go back, but only if you promise to stop being cheap."

Then he tells the fag the same, but "only if you promise to stop thinking about gay sex."

They go back, but then the Jew sees a penny on the floor, tries to pick it up, and they both die.

skopp 3 points 1 month ago[-]

So they both died. Again.

mrkeys1962 2 points 1 month ago[-]

Another version of this joke is James Dean, John Wayne and Rock Hudson are given another chance to go back down to earth and told that if they pick up any of there old vices they will die. The 3 of them suddenly appear on earth and are walking along and James Dean sees a Lamborgini. He walks up to it and sees the keys are in it. Door is unlocked and he hops in and starts the engine. "Oh this feels so good. I wonder if it would hurt just to take it around the block." John and Rock try to talk him out of it but he pops the clutch, burns some rubber and as soon as the car moves...poof he's gone. John Wayne and James Dean are shook up and while they are talking about what just happened John Wayne sees a cigarette smoldering on the ground. He starts shaking and says "I wonder if it would be ok to just hold this in my fingers...I wouldn't actually smoke it." While Rock Hudson tries to talk him out of it John Wayne reaches down to pick up the cigarette and guess what happens... poof Rock Hudson is gone.

skopp 1 point 1 month ago[-]

Change it to Blair, Bush and the UN secretary and you have a deal.

slashline 5 points 1 month ago[-]

Why do women have small feet?

It allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

potheadpaul 9 points 19 days ago[-]

why don't women wear wristwatches?

there's a perfectly good one on the stove.

leftovercrak 9 points 1 month ago[-]

what do you do when a woman gets hit by a car. wonder what the car was doing in the kitchen.

JanetRenosDanceParty 7 points 1 month ago[-]

Three gay guys are in a hot tub when a condom floats to the surface. One of the guys says, "OK WHO FARTED?"

wickedsteve 10 points 1 month ago[-]

How do you get a gay man to have sex with a woman?

Take a dump in her vagina.

skopp 3 points 1 month ago* [-]

Wicked, Steve.

callmedanimal 3 points 1 month ago[-]

That's called space docking!

or Alabama Hot Pocket!

InfestedCats 27 points 1 month ago[-]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me - it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

srilankan 3 points 29 days ago[-]

Its an oldie but as SKOPP said. Who doesnt like a happy ending with a good lesson attached....Oh wait, maybe that's no what he said....

lolracistsnothx 2 points 1 month ago[-]

This is a TV commercial.

It's better on TV.

skopp 4 points 1 month ago[-]

I'm so glad that ended with a good punchline. Nothing worse than reading a giant chunk of words just to reach an anti-climax.

InfestedCats 8 points 1 month ago[-]

There's a man with three daughters.

The first daughter(a Brunette) comes up and says "Daddy why'd you name me Daisy" the dad says" 'cause when you were born a daisy fell on your head."

The second daughter (a red-head) comes up and says "Daddy why'd you name me Rose" the dad says "'cause when you were born a rose fell on your head."

The third daughter (a blond) comes up and says "kjaglifvgjlfj" the dad says "SHUTUP CINDERBLOCK"

wryknow 11 points 1 month ago[-]

told this one somewhere in the thread I thought, but I couldn't find it:

What do you do after you rape a deaf mute?

break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.

babloi 16 points 1 month ago[-]

yeah, i got some black people in my family tree... they're hanging out back.

thebigragu 4 points 1 month ago[-]

I had to get involved this is way too good..A white guy finds and then rubs a magic lamp and agenie comes out, genie will grant him 3 wishes but there is a catch, anything he wishes for every black man will get 2, the man wishes for a Ferrari...genie responds now every black man in the world has 2 Ferraris, white guy then responds well for my 2nd wish i'll have a supermodel....poof to add to the ferrari the genie gives the man a supermodel, but adds now every black man has 2 supermodels. The man takes a second to think and then comes up with his final wish. "Genie, i want you to beat me half to death."

wacrover 17 points 1 month ago[-]

A soldier is on patrol in Afghanistan and he comes upon an Afghan farmer at his farm. He looks around and then approaches the farmer.

"How is everything here on your farm? Are you treating your animals well?"

"Yes," replies the Afghan, "very well."

"Great," says the soldier. He looks over and sees a cow in the barn. "You mind if I ask the cow how you're treating her?"

"Cow no talk," says the farmer.

Regardless, the soldier approaches the cow and starts chatting with it, asking it how things are going. "Well, he takes good care of me. He milks me every morning and keeps us in good pastures with good grass to eat. I'm doing just fine."

The farmer's mouth is agape as he cannot believe what he is hearing! The soldier returns to the farmer's side and asks, "How bout the horse? Can I chat with him about the farm?"

Again the farmer replies, "Horse no talk." But the soldier approaches the horse, asks him how things are, and the horse says, "Things are pretty good. The farmer brings me fresh hay every week and we go riding every Friday to check the fences. Not bad at all, very happy to be here."

The farmer nearly can't believe his own eyes and ears. He is scratching his head in bewilderment as the soldier returns.

The soldier says, "So, how about I talk to one of your sheep..."

The Afghan farmer breaks in quickly, "Sheep lie! Sheep lie!"

skopp 6 points 1 month ago[-]

Change the Afghan for an Aussie, and you have yourself a deal.

HandyAndy 5 points 1 month ago[-]

No, no...Scottish:

Q: What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scottish shepherd?

A: The rolling Stones say, "Hey you, get off my cloud" and the Scottish shepherd says, "Hey McCloud, get off my ewe!"

rjg232 3 points 1 month ago[-]

Change the Aussie for a Kiwi and you're spot on.

russelly 1 point 21 hours ago[-]

beat me to it.

NorCalBdub 4 points 1 month ago[-]

You're right, everyone knows Aussies are inbreeders.

milo1974 3 points 1 month ago[-]

Why is San Francisco doomed for a great flood? They won't let the little boy put his finger in the dike. What is the world's most useless profession? San Francisco abortion doctor.

tylerfulltilt 6 points 1 month ago* [-]

Q: what do you get when you put a baby in a box full of razor blades and kick it down a flight of stairs?

A: an erection.

optimism 5 points 1 month ago[-]

DEAD baby! Dead baby! Otherwise it's just sick!

detlev409 11 points 1 month ago[-]

That's officially the worst dead baby joke I've ever heard.

brickwall887 3 points 1 month ago[-]

I have one worse. What sound does a dead baby make in the microwave? I wasn't listening because I was too busy masturbating.

panfried 30 points 1 month ago[-]

A woman is shopping at a grocery store. She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line.
"You must be single." the clerk says.
Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, "Yes I am. How could you tell?".
"Because you're ugly".

gallery79 4 points 1 month ago[-]

why did helen keller's dog run away? you would too if your name was frggndorffngg

disphagia 3 points 20 hours ago[-]

do you know why helen keller couldnt drive?

she was a woman

arlanTLDR 2 points 1 month ago[-]

This joke is especially funny if you say the second part very fast, and roll your head and twitch your hands as you say the dogs name.

intuition25 18 points 1 month ago[-]

What has 8 balls and rapes Mexicans. The lottery.

Aguyinachair 2 points 21 days ago[-]

Variation:

What has 75 balls and screws old people?

Bingo.

msoren 14 points 1 month ago[-]

A wealthy woman moves to America from France. She buys a large house and plans on having a large house-warming party with many distinguished guests. For the event she hires a famous artist to paint a picture to depict a moment in American history. She decides on General Custer’s last stand against the Indians. The painting was to depict what the American general was thinking the moment of his last battle.

He works feverishly on the painting and on the night of her party, his art is in the center of all the guests with a cloth covering it. Everyone draws their attention to the painting and he proudly pulls the cloth off the painting.

The guests gasps and scream when they see what is beneath. There are Indians having sex in every possible position, and even more bizarre is a large fish in the center of all the Indians with a halo over its head.

The French woman screams to the artist, "What is this? This is not what I asked for!" He replies, "Yes, it is. You asked me to depict what Custer was thinking during his last moments on earth. That was 'Holy Mackerel, look at all those fucking Indians!"

Credit goes to my uncle Mark for that joke. One of the many dirty things he taught me.....

wjbettis 1 point 1 month ago[-]

I heard this joke at the University of Florida by a History professor in 1979 except he used Cow's not Mackerel, i.e. a bunch Indians fornicating with Cow's who had Halo's over their heads

Karrionhardt 21 points 1 month ago[-]

There once was a man in a happy marriage, save for one aspect - his member was so sizable he could not fully insert himself into his wife without causing her pain. One night, this frustration boiled over, and he headed out to find a bordello - surely, if he was to find a woman to accommodate his size, it would be there.

As he walks into the parlor, he eyes a man behind the counter and tells him his troubles. The man says, "Well, that's a pickle, but I'm Harold, the janitor. You want to speak with Helga, the Headmistress," pointing to the side.

He walks over to her and repeats the story. Money exchanges hands, and he's directed down the hall, first room on the left.

He's never actually been with a prostitute before, so some awkward conversation precludes intercourse. In the act, he manages to get a third of the way in before she starts yelping in pain. He pulls out, apologizes for the inconvenience, and goes back to the Headmistress.

She's a little taken aback, but still proposes a solution - second door, right side.

The man is a more than a little frustrated (and certainly a touch embarrassed), by this point, so no conversation occurs and he gets right into it. A third goes in. Then half. She yelps. He dismounts, and storms back to the Headmistress, not even bothering to put his clothes back on. He demands a refund.

She tells him that she has one last option for him - if it doesn't work, she will gladly refund every penny of his purchase. Last door on the left. He goes in, and the room is very dark. A woman lies on the bed, waiting for him. He mounts her - a third of the way, half-way, and all the way in. She offers no complaint. Gleefully he begins thrusting, when to his horror (and the dim light) he notices she appears to be foaming from the mouth. In a panic, he runs back to the Headmistress.

"That girl is foaming at the mouth! I think you need to call a doctor!"

The Headmistress rolls her eyes.

"For fuck's sake. Harold! The dead girl is full again!"

fingers 1 point 1 month ago[-]

What's the point of this paragraph? "As he walks into the parlor, he eyes a man behind the counter and tells him his troubles. The man says, "Well, that's a pickle, but I'm Harold, the janitor. You want to speak with Helga, the Headmistress," pointing to the side."

Karrionhardt 5 points 1 month ago* [-]

You need to establish Harold the Janitor (or whichever name you decide to roll with) as a character within the joke to justify the punchline.

EDIT: Although, thinking about it now, you could just eliminate all mention of a janitor up until that punchline, and just have her call for a generic janitor. I think it loses some of the charm that way, but certainly there are alternatives. In my opinion, the best jokes give you all the pieces to determine the ending - it's just that the path from point A to B is so incredibly fucked up the listener invariably forget some details. So instead of it just being, "Ha ha, the girl was dead", you also get the element of "Oh yeah, I forgot about the janitor."

Does that make any sense?

fingers 3 points 1 month ago[-]

"For fuck's sake! The dead girl is full again!" is a fine ending.

Karrionhardt 2 points 1 month ago[-]

Quite right, and I'm certainly not disagreeing with you. Personally, I just prefer the added implication that someone will have to clean up the mess. In this case, Harold. Presumably with a shop-vac, I suppose.

skopp 1 point 1 month ago* [-]

His name should be Alfred, or Cadbury or something like that. And he should be a butler.

fingers 2 points 1 month ago[-]

I'd like to think that Harold is queer and cleans it up orally.

solly85 3 points 1 month ago[-]

And here comes a sentence I hope I will never have to repeat:

...Because queers love performing oral sex on dead prostitutes?

On second thought I do hope I say it again, that's fucking funny.

fingers 2 points 1 month ago[-]

i was going for the ick factor of the thread.

andrewinmelbourne 12 points 1 month ago[-]

Q: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? A: He heard the referee was blowing fowls.

pixel8 25 points 1 month ago[-]

What has four legs and one arm? A Doberman in a playground.

bhoodslc 6 points 1 month ago[-]

Q: Why do you never put a baby in a blender head first? A: Because the look on their face is priceless!

qquicksilver 8 points 1 month ago[-]

Have you ever smelled moth balls ? How'd you get the little legs apart ?

srilankan 1 point 29 days ago[-]

Short and sweet. Kinda like moth balls.

KrystollMeth 39 points 1 month ago[-]

I haven't seen this one yet, so here goes...Why do black people only have nightmares? The last one who had a dream got shot.

SeaBass8246 14 points 1 month ago[-]

Why don't black people take cruises?

They fell for that trick once already!

TurtleEater 34 points 1 month ago[-]

A smoking hot girl walks into a bar. A guy at the bar says, "Wow, you're gonna get laid tonight!" She replies, "Hehe, how do you know?" And he replies, "Because I'm stronger than you."

wacrover 11 points 1 month ago[-]

During a man's annual physical, the doctor asked him to drop his pants and put his hands on the table.

About 3 seconds into the rectal exam, the man cries out "OH MY GOD!"

The doctor asks him what the problem is. The patient replies: The last doctor I went to did this with both hands on my shoulders.

bhoodslc 5 points 1 month ago[-]

two variations, the second one is the best! 1.Q: what's the difference between a truck-load full of bowling balls, and a truckload full of dead baby heads? A: you can't unload the truck full of bowling balls with a pitch fork!

2.Q:at's the difference between a truck-load full of bowling balls, and a truckload full of dead baby heads? A: You can't fuck the bowling balls!

callmedanimal 3 points 1 month ago[-]

Wanna bet?

qquicksilver 4 points 1 month ago[-]

Whats black and blue and hates sex ? The 4 year old in my trunk

Karrionhardt 9 points 1 month ago[-]

A lonely guy looking for satisfaction wanders into a brothel. He tells the Headmistress he only has $10 to his name. After some consideration, she takes him to a room at the end of a hallway. Inside is a chicken. He gives it some thought, decides he may as well get his money worth, and he fucks the chicken.

A week later he comes back. He's only got $5, this time. She takes him to a room near the end of the hall. Inside, a cluster of men are jerking off to a view of the next room, through a one-way mirror - a man is having sex with a grotesquely obese woman. Off-handedly, he remarks: "That's pretty fucked up."

One hears his comment and responds: "That's nothing! Last week some guy was fucking a chicken!"

drez1 2 points 1 month ago* [-]

What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit?

"Hey, you gonna eat that?"

Mr_Clownn 855 points 1 month ago[-]

A woman successfully gives birth after several hours of labor. The doctor takes the baby and leaves the room to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly begins to punch it, kick it, throw it about the room and slam it against an adjacent wall. The woman screams, "OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BABY?!" To which the doctor replies, "April Fool's! It was already dead!"

mikeymell 2 points 1 month ago* [-]

That's from Batman: The Killing Joke. ;p

skepticmonk 29 points 1 month ago[-]

Q. Why do women call it PMS?

A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

skepticmonk 25 points 1 month ago[-]

Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter? A: The dishes, if she knows what's good for her

mistermoxy 18 points 1 month ago[-]

Why do women like Diet Coke?

Because they're thirsty and fat.

caution2thewind 308 points 1 month ago[-]

A little boy wakes up in the middle of the night and walks into his parents room and sees them having sex. The little boy, traumatized, runs out of the room crying. "You should go check on him, thats really going to be something you need to explain," said the mother. The father laughed it off with a traditional "he will get over it," and continued to chuckle about the whole situation.
After some additional prodding from the mother the father agrees to go talk to the little boy. As he is walking down the hallway to his sons room he hears an empty thumping sound coming from his sons room. Thump - Thump - squish - Thump- Thump The father, very confused, slams the door open and sees his son balls deep, pounding the shit out of his grandmothers asshole. Just really going to town on it.
The father screams "What the hell are you doing?" The boy replies, "It's not so funny when its your mom, is it?"

FooFighter828 26 points 1 month ago[-]

What did the deaf, dumb, blind kid get for christmas?

cancer.

skopp 9 points 1 month ago[-]

I don't get it. Cancer, I mean.

justanother_R0boT 5 points 1 month ago[-]

Maybe an alternate ending: "It's alright lady... this one isn't even yours"

calculadoru 39 points 1 month ago[-]

An elementary school teacher, a lawyer, a Catholic priest and three young boys are on a plane with only three parachutes. Engines explode, plane starts going down.

The teacher says, 'Save the children!'

The lawyer yells, 'FUCK THE CHILDREN!'

The Catholic priest looks around and whispers, 'Is there time?'

macandcheese 9 points 1 month ago[-]

a woman walks into a doctor's office and complains that her sex life is horrible. "my husband just can't seem to get interested enough, doc, and it's ruining our marriage! what could we possibly do?" "well," says the doctor, "we have this new experimental drug called viagra. do you think he'd be open to try it?" the woman decides to trick her husband by slipping a pill in his coffee in the morning. the doctor is reluctant to try this, but says as long as the woman reports the results she'll allow it. the next day, the woman walks in absolutely glowing. "doc," she says, "i feel like a brand new woman. we had sex all night long, better than ever! i love this medicine! but i was wondering... what do you think would happen if i gave him... TWO pills?" once again, the doctor advises her to report back, since this is still an experimental drug. two days later, the woman walks in, looking a little tired but very satisfied. "the sex is amazing! he's unstoppable thanks to this viagra! but doc, i was wondering... what if he took five pills?" same advice from the doctor, and once again the woman leaves with instruction to report back. she calls in a few days later sounding very tired indeed from endless hours of sex. but she wants to try giving him the rest of the bottle of pills. once again reluctant, the doctor only reminds the woman to report what happens. the doctor doesn't hear from her, until one day a little boy walks into the office and approaches the doctor. "are you the dumbfuck that gave my mom a bottle of experimental drugs?" "...i suppose so.... but why do you ask?" "well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, MY ass hurts, and dad's sitting in the corner saying 'here, kitty kitty kitty..."

lovebugger 4 points 1 month ago[-]

I haven't seen any dead baby jokes but the doctor one.

How many dead babies does it take to paint a house?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

Or:

What's the worst thing about fucking a dead baby?

Getting blood on your clown suit.

Do you guys know any others?

bungfist 6 points 1 month ago[-]

Q. How do you make a dead baby float? A. 1 scoop of ice cream and 2 scoops of dead baby.

slick76 6 points 1 month ago[-]

It's supposed to be: How do you make a dead baby float? Take your foot off of it.

poundtown 3 points 1 month ago[-]

How long does it take to cook a baby in a microwave?

I don't know either - I was too busy masturbating.

j_blu 4 points 1 month ago[-]

What's pink and bubbly and scratches at the glass? Baby in a microwave.

lucas4 3 points 1 month ago[-]

What's funnier than a dead baby?

A dead baby in a clown suit.

MrRagoo 5 points 1 month ago[-]

What lives in my basement, is Black and Blue, and hates sex?

My son

king_david 3 points 19 hours ago[-]

How do you stop a dead baby going 30 miles per hour? Turn off the blender

wufoo 6 points 1 month ago* [-]

What's the difference between a dead baby and an apple?
I didn't cum in the apple before I ate it.

Ryan0617 1082 points 1 month ago[-]

Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

madsonm 444 points 1 month ago[-]

I told this joke to a girl once. Her response:

Sometimes 10 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

cranktheguy 488 points 1 month ago[-]

Sounds like a keeper.

springer5150 184 points 1 month ago[-]

Rape isn't a laughing matter, unless it is with a clown.

karmaapples 49 points 1 month ago[-]

My boss once told me rape was assault with a friendly weapon.

Ryan0617 1043 points 1 month ago[-]

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep." Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

Mr_No_One 2 points 1 month ago[-]

When I was little I was kicked out the Cub Scouts for eating Brownies!

What do you call tits on a girlscout? Brownie Points!

themullet 14 points 1 month ago[-]

had a wank over an ex girlfriend last night, i know its wrong but I still have a key and she's a heavy sleeper

REBELYELLoz 652 points 1 month ago[-]

I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night. It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.

(thanks Skippy!)

JcmS 110 points 1 month ago[-]

Abortion - it brings out the kid in you...

skippy17 205 points 1 month ago[-]

um... you're welcome?

Ryan0617 964 points 1 month ago[-]

What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

ranok 14 points 1 month ago[-]

What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?

-- The fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out

YetNoOneCares 242 points 1 month ago[-]

Offensive++!

a1phanumeric 159 points 1 month ago[-]

Would offend again!

nobody2008 4 points 1 month ago[-]

When does a Mexican buy car insurance? When an Asian move in to the neighborhood.

[deleted] 1 month ago[-]

[deleted]

Ryan0617 866 points 1 month ago[-]

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men". So he stabs her & nicks her purse.

jdemery 52 points 1 month ago[-]

What do you get when you cross a black guy with an octopus? I don't know but it sure could pick a lot of cotton.

matimbo 5 points 1 month ago[-]

What do you get when you cross the Million Man March with a million lesbians. Two million people who don't do dick.

matimbo 1 point 1 month ago[-]

What has 4 legs, yellow eyes and screams "HODEDO, HODEDO"? Two black guys running for the elevator.

Felterklit 168 points 1 month ago[-]

A black student is dropped off by the bus to his waiting father after middle school. He tells his dad that while he and his gym classmates were showering he noticed that his dick was alot bigger than the rest of the boys. He asks is it because he is black. The father replied "No, it's because your are 19.

roscoeseege 195 points 1 month ago[-]

Why can't Mexican high schoolers take drivers ed and sex ed on the same day? Too much work for the donkey.

dinosuzerarlitarism 86 points 1 month ago[-]

2 car pile up on the Mexican border. Thousands die.

fuglybear 17 points 1 month ago[-]

Variation: why did the Mexicans only bring 8,000 men to attack the Alamo? They only had 2 trucks.

ckasper 8 points 1 month ago[-]

What did William B. Travis say when he saw the Mexicans approaching the Alamo?

I didn't know we were pouring cement today.

moozilla 126 points 1 month ago[-]

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

All the ones who can run, jump, or swim have already crossed the border.

CUNexTuesday 58 points 1 month ago[-]

A Rabbi and a Priest are walking down the street when they see a 7 year old boy come out of a candy store.

The Priest says "Hey, you wanna go screw that kid with me?"

to which the Rabbi replies "OUT OF WHAT?"

mrpeabody208 39 points 1 month ago[-]

What did the Jewish pedophile say?

"Hey kid, wanna buy some candy?"

e1ioan 479 points 1 month ago[-]

A Romanian, a Jew and a Somali under a tree. A caterpillar gets on the Romanian's shoulder. The Romanian throws the caterpillar at the Jew, the Jew throws the caterpillar at the Somali, the Somali picks up the caterpillar and eats it. Another caterpillar gets on the Romanian, the Romanian throws it at the Jew, the Jew picks it up and ask the Somali: "Do you want to buy a caterpillar?"

dduong16 333 points 1 month ago[-]

What happens when a Jew with an erection runs into a wall?

He breaks his nose.

Bagel 249 points 1 month ago[-]

Whats a Jew's worst dilemma?

Free Ham.

ifellofthejunglegym 69 points 1 month ago[-]

Why did Hitler commit suicide? He got the gas bill...

Cousineerie 111 points 1 month ago[-]

A jew is going thru customs at RFK airport when the customs official asks him, "Occupation?" The jew replies, "No, just visiting."

airbrushedvan 506 points 1 month ago[-]

I ran into Hitler. I was surprised to see him and asked him what he was up to? He said "This time I am going to kill 6 million Jews and two clowns!"

"Two Clowns? Why are you going to kill two clowns?"

"See? Nobody cares about zee Jews."

gerp 232 points 1 month ago[-]

My grandfather died in Auschwitz:

He fell out of the guard tower.

jon_titor 186 points 1 month ago[-]

Dude, my grandfather died there too!

He was on patrol when some douchebag fell out of a tower and landed on him!

doctorsound 112 points 1 month ago[-]

My grandfather had a heart attack when he saw two guards that died having sex outside a guard tower.

PoopsMcG 13 points 1 month ago[-]

What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon, and Michael Jackson molests little boys.

BrendejoChingon 1 point 1 month ago[-]

What do Michael Jackson & caviar have in common? - They both cum on little crackers.

What do Woody Allen & Milk Duds have in common? - They both cum in a little yellow box. XD

Ryan0617 801 points 1 month ago[-]

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me

Ryan0617 708 points 1 month ago[-]

Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!" He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, 'fuck off it'll be too painful.'"

ChunkyLaFunga 359 points 1 month ago[-]

I wasn't expecting to find practical advice here, good work.

Ryan0617 706 points 1 month ago[-]

My wife being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood. We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead

biggusjimmus 342 points 1 month ago[-]

My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."

So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.

I guess we don't watch the same movies.

intuition25 9 points 1 month ago[-]

I was making out hot and heavy with this chick and she says to me, "kiss me where it stinks." So I drove her to Jersey......

Ryan0617 675 points 1 month ago* [-]

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

Ryan0617 657 points 1 month ago[-]

Paedophiles are fucking immature arseholes.

lbdinh 404 points 1 month ago* [-]

For extra offense.

My last girlfriend called me a pedophile. Pretty big word for a 12-year-old.

(edited)

punkfloyd 341 points 1 month ago* [-]

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

AIDS

expectingrain 11 points 1 month ago[-]

Q: Whats the difference between pink and purple?

A: The grip

LapsedPacifist 336 points 1 month ago[-]

Q: What's better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?

A: Not being retarded.

essron 7 points 1 month ago[-]

how is arguing on the internet like the special olympics?

even if you win you are still retarded.

peterjoel 359 points 1 month ago[-]

Q: How can you tell when your sister is on her period?

A: Your dad's dick tastes funny.

RSquared 208 points 1 month ago* [-]

A redneck is sitting on his Lay-Z-Boy, watching the game, when his daughter comes in and asks if she can borrow the car. The redneck says, "Well, I guess...but you gotta do something for me in return. Either you can suck my cock or let me fuck you in the ass."

The daughter thinks about it for a minute, but finally decides she'd rather give a blowjob. She gets on her knees and unzips his pants, puts her mouth on his member and gags, "Ugh, this tastes like shit!"

The redneck smiles and says, "Oh yeah, I forgot, Billy already borrowed the car today."

maybemoose 364 points 1 month ago[-]

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the fuck off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train."

The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours and think about what you've done.”

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today.” She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.”

As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you pissed about the two hour delay, please see the cunt in the kitchen!”

Mr_No_One 7 points 1 month ago[-]

How many men does it take to open a beer? None, the beer should be open when SHE brings it!

Ryan0617 606 points 1 month ago[-]

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

intuition25 8 points 1 month ago[-]

Did you hear about the gay midget? It took him a lot of courage, but he finally came out of the cupboard.

mudah 354 points 1 month ago[-]

Q: What's al Qaeda's favorite football team?

A: The New York Jets.

TankMan3217 201 points 1 month ago[-]

Knock Knock

(Who's There?)

9/11

(9/11 Who?)

You said you would never forget...

Ryan0617 575 points 1 month ago[-]

How does every Black joke start? By looking over your shoulder!

leeharris100 184 points 1 month ago[-]

Why can't Ray Charles read?

Because he's black.

Shaper_pmp 139 points 1 month ago* [-]

What do you call a black guy flying an aeroplane?

The pilot, you racist fuck.

deadaluspark 423 points 1 month ago[-]

Have you heard about our new President? That Obama guy? Yeah, just what we need, another nigger in D.C. begging for change.

Wildcard86 15 points 1 month ago[-]

Did you hear? Hallmark is making Obama Christmas ornaments. That way every family in America can hang a nigger from a tree!

bxyldy 4 points 1 month ago[-]

how do you stop black guys from hanging around your front lawn?

hang 'em out back.

firepunk 308 points 1 month ago[-]

I heard a similar version: Obama in the whitehouse... Thats exactly what we need, another black family in government housing.

detlev409 214 points 1 month ago[-]

Obama goes up to Saint Peter on his way to the pearly gates. Peter says, "Barack, before you enter, we'd like to know how you used the time our Lord gave you on the earth. What deeds have you accomplished to better your fellow man?"

Obama thinks for a moment, then says, "Well, St. Peter, I guess the greatest accomplishment of my life was becoming President of the United States. I am humbled and proud to serve...blah blah blah..."

Pete looks at his book, puzzled. He turns to Obama, "I don't have that written here in the record of your life, when did this happen?"

Obama says, "About five minutes ago."

doubleD 101 points 1 month ago[-]

Q: What do JFK and Obama have in common?

A: Nothing yet.

Ryan0617 553 points 1 month ago[-]

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

bigtech 320 points 1 month ago[-]

What did the blind, deaf and dumb boy get for Christmas?

Cancer.

vailripper 228 points 1 month ago[-]

A man walks into a bar. His alcohol dependency is killing is family.

Ryan0617 491 points 1 month ago[-]

Isn't it just a little ironic to see a group of pro-lifers throwing eggs at an abortion clinic?

Ryan0617 492 points 1 month ago[-]

I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow. I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels. I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to fuck the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I'll take a shit on the floor and piss everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink cock.

Let's see America's most wanted fucking stage a reconstruction of that.

fiddlechick 307 points 1 month ago* [-]

The Aristocrats!

Ryan0617 482 points 1 month ago[-]

I'm not racist, racism is a crime, and crime is for black people

Ryan0617 458 points 1 month ago[-]

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop wanking. When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

countingspoons 1 point 1 month ago[-]

out of this entire thread, this joke made me laugh the hardest

Ryan0617 461 points 1 month ago[-]

What's white on top and black on bottom? Society

NightGolfer 2 points 1 month ago[-]

Obama completely ruined that joke =(

heffocheffefer 325 points 1 month ago[-]

What's black on top and white on bottom? Rape.

Shaper_pmp 6 points 1 month ago[-]

What's blue and doesn't fit?

A dead epileptic.

Ryan0617 454 points 1 month ago[-]

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

[deleted] 222 points 1 month ago[-]

So this guy goes to Australia for a tourist trip and on the border they ask him if he had ever stayed in jail or had been arrested. So he says: " I did not know that was still required"

biggusjimmus 216 points 1 month ago[-]

Three third graders, a white kid, a Chinese kid, and a black kid, are hanging out on the playground, and they decide to have a dick measuring contest.

The white kid whips out his little penis. Then the asian kid whips out his, which is much shorter. The black kid smiles and whips his out, and shows off that he is much much bigger than the other two.

After school, still beaming with pride, the black kid goes home and tells his mom, "Mom, Mom, my penis is way bigger than the other kids in my class!"

His mom looks at him and says, "Well, son, you are 23...."

Ryan0617 213 points 1 month ago[-]

Did anyone else think that Mel Gibson's remake of the 'Life of Brian' wasn't nearly as funny as the original?

JangusKhan 273 points 1 month ago* [-]

A girl with no arms or legs is lying on the beach, begging all the passing men to have sex with her. Finally a man pauses for more than a second. "Please! I'm 25 years old and I've never been fucked!" The man considers the situation briefly, picks her up and throws her into the ocean. From the choppy water, she screams her dismay, to which the man answers, "Well, you're fucked now!"

Ryan0617 421 points 1 month ago[-]

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

themullet 7 points 1 month ago* [-]

why do women wear make up and perfume? Because they're ugly and smell bad

Ryan0617 393 points 1 month ago[-]

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it fucking start?"

dillikibilli 189 points 1 month ago[-]

What do you call an Indian dating service?

Connect the Dots.

Ryan0617 388 points 1 month ago[-]

What's the biggest cause of paedophilia in this country?

Sexy kids.

starthirteen 217 points 1 month ago* [-]

A rabbi and a priest are out fishing. After about 6 hours on the lake, neither of them having caught a thing, the Priest looks at the rabbi and says "Oh, man. I'm so bored. You know, we should have brought an altar boy along"

The rabbi says, "An altar boy, why"

The priest responds, "So we could fuck him"

Rabbi says, "out of what?"

kewldude606 151 points 1 month ago[-]

I think this one works better with "screw" not "fuck".

losvedir 217 points 1 month ago[-]

How do you starve a Mexican?

You hide the food stamps under the soap.

Ryan0617 370 points 1 month ago[-]

A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?" The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him. "No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."

dangph 116 points 1 month ago[-]

In the drive-through at McDonald's, if the girl says, "Sorry about the wait", the correct response is "Nah, it looks good on you."

markitymark 5 points 1 month ago[-]

Oh I am writing that one down...

legatoz 206 points 1 month ago[-]

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps. She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later.

"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty nappies!" the doc says.

"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.

"No, you've got bowel cancer."

wingofbentsteel 206 points 1 month ago[-]

Yesterday, Sarah Palin received an offer to pose nude for 1 million dollars in Playboy magazine. Michelle Obama got the same offer from National Geographic.

lordsandwich 153 points 1 month ago[-]

Q: What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?

A: Not everything that comes out of her vagina is retarded.