I think it's time once again to hear everybody's best jokes (self.funny)
submitted 1 day ago by onecelledcreature
148
genuinepolitician 17 points 17 hours ago[-]
I thought it was:
Why wasn't Hilter good at track? He couldn't finish a race
JohnTheRevel 5 points 11 hours ago[-]
Genuine politician my ass!
captainAwesomePants 12 points 10 hours ago[-]
What do you mean? He embraced the joke only after it had already proven popular, then modified it by subtracting the parts that compared popular American idols to anti-American figures. Sounds like a politician to me.
duklapragueawaykit 172 points 20 hours ago[-]
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken
OBEYURZOMBIEHIVEMIND 23 points 18 hours ago* [-]
What's this? (fold some paper money under your chin and hold it using only your chin)
Christopher Reeve at a strip club!!
gracefulfailure 179 points 20 hours ago[-]
I heard joke once.
Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But Doctor... I am Pagliacci."
Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.
BrianBoyko 3 points 7 hours ago* [-]
sporko 17 points 15 hours ago[-]
Your English is broken. So I translated it to Italian and then back to English to fix it:
I have felt the joke once. L' man goes to fix. He says he' s diminished. It says that the life seems hard and cruel. It says that it thinks all the solo in a threatening world. The doctor says the " The treatment is simple. The great clown Clowns is this evening in city. He goes to see it. That one would have to select it up." L' man bursts in the breaches. He says, " But doctor… They are Pagliacci." Good joke. Everyone laughs. Seam on the trap drum. It stretches.
Garetht 7 points 13 hours ago* [-]
Your english is broked. So I multibabeled it (http://tashian.com/multibabel/)
I believed the joke a time. The regulated man of L. He says that they reduce it. Video that the length seems hard and cruel. The video that I devastate I find out in a world of the threat thinks that one. The doctor says " In order to process it is simple. The great Clowne of the clown is tonight in the city. It sees. This selects up." The man of L makes jump in the infractions. He says, " But doctor_ is Pagliacci." Good joke. All laugh. Amendment in the bar of the deflection. It is extended.
fozzymandias 19 points 18 hours ago[-]
In the same, Alan Moore-ish vein:
See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daredn't make the leap. Y'see... Y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea... He says "Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!" B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says "Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!"
dropshadow 25 points 17 hours ago* [-]
Late one night, a guy gets a flat tire on the side of the road, right next to an insane asylum. There's a service station a few miles up the road, but nothing nearby is open. He doesn't have a flashlight and there are no streetlights. The only light is the moon.
Once he successfully removes the flat tire, he puts the lugnuts he removed in the upside-down hubcap next to the car. He goes to the trunk to retrieve the spare, but when he returns to the side of the car, he accidentally kicks the hubcap, sending the lugnuts flying.
He stands there for a moment wondering what to do, when all of the sudden, a voice calls out from the asylum: "Take one lugnut off each of the other wheels!" One of the patients has been watching him from the window.
He thinks about it for a second and realizes that it just might work, at least enough to get him to the service station. He yells back to the patient, "That's a great idea, I never would have thought of that." The patient replies, "I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid."
CD7 123 points 19 hours ago[-]
One sunny day in 2009 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'
The Marine looked at the man and said, 'Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.' The old man said, 'Okay' and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.' The Marine again told the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.' The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, 'Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?'
The old man looked at the Marine and said, 'Oh, I understand.? I just love hearing it.' The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, 'See you tomorrow.'
walruteer 47 points 18 hours ago[-]
A duck walks into the grocery store. He finds the manager and says "You have any duck food?" The manager replies "This is a grocery store - we only have human food. Now get out of here!" The duck leaves. The next day, the duck comes back to the grocery store, finds the manager, and asks "You have any duck food?" The manager says "I told you yesterday, we don't sell duck food. Now get out of here. If you ever come back here asking for duck food, I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor." The duck leaves. The next day, the duck comes back. He goes up to the manager and asks "Do you have any nails?" The manager says "Of course we don't have any nails, this is a grocery store!" The duck replies "You have any duck food?"
alphakappa 21 points 18 hours ago[-]
How do you make a hormone? - Don't pay her.
InspectorJavert 15 points 14 hours ago* [-]
She moans because her pimp is going to smack her around when she comes up short.
also:
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Why the long face?" the horse replies "Because I'm an alcoholic"
I love anti-jokes
tandembandit 18 points 9 hours ago[-]
What's worse than finding half a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.
col381 9 points 6 hours ago* [-]
The man sits in sad desperation as the doctor explains that his wife is likely to be in a coma for many years.
"Is there nothing I can do?" he says to the doctor, tears streaming down his face.
The doctor thinks for a while and says in a quiet voice "Well sir, there might be one thing. It's a long shot, but bear with me on this. Over my many years as a doctor dealing with this condition I have noticed that from time to time people have on occasion been woken from comas when they have experienced a strong emotional or physical 'event' that has jolted their minds awake"..
"What do you mean?" The man, says slightly confused.
"Ok. What I mean is" says the doctor, trying to explain himself carefully "is that the mind is at it's core basically a very primitive thing, evolutionarily speaking. It has been tuned by millions of years of evolution to respond more strongly to the more basic needs of the lower brain functions than to others of the higher brain. For example, some patients have awoken when inadvertently their feeding tubes got knocked out, and the brain has awoken as a result of the lower brain triggering the a primitive need for the body to either 'eat or die'. Others have woken at the sound of a crying child or loved one. Do you see what I mean?"
"Okay, I follow, but what do you suggest - I mean we have no children.." the man began, but the doctor interrupted "yes, but bear with me here, and don't worry I not suggesting that we starve her so don't worry about that"
"So what are you suggesting?" said the man.
"Sex, Oral Sex to be specific" said the doctor simply.
"Sex?" the man replied incredulously starting to think this was all getting a little weird.
"You can't be serious!"
"Oh I am" the doctor continued. "Sex is a very powerful primitive urge, as so is the pleasure that we get from sex. It arouses parts of our brains that otherwise lie dormant in the mind of a comatose patient, and that just might provide the 'jolt' that we need if you follow. What I suggest is that you go in there right now and have sex with your wife"..
"Sex? Right now? But's she's..." the man replied with his mouth agape, not really knowing if this was for real or some sort of joke. "...You can't be serious!" he repeated shocked.
"..yes, well - there's no time like the present." replied the doctor with a grim smile "I want you to go in there right now and have sex with your wife. It might just be the boost we need to jolt your wife out of that coma" he told the man.
The man was stunned. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. Scratching his head he thought for a while and then decided that it was worth a shot.. as weird as it would be having sex with his comatose wife, if it worked, he guessed it would be alright. He steadied himself for a moment, and with a purposeful stride - walked into his wife's hospital room to do his best..
Fifteen minutes later the door suddenly burst open and the man ran out of the room in a wild panic, "Doctor!, doctor, somebody help!" he shouted
"please..quick - sh...she's stopped breathing!" he said as the doctor and medical staff came running.
The doctor was alarmed "my god man, what on earth happened?" he asked.
"I don't know.. I guess she must have choked".
mg115ca 82 points 18 hours ago* [-]
Heisenberg, Goedel, and Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg says, "From the fact that we are all here I can infer that this is a joke, but cannot determine whether or not the joke is funny." Goedel says, "No, we can't tell if the joke is funny because we're inside it--if we could observe ourselves from outside, we would know." and Chomsky just shakes his head sadly. "No, no," he says, "The joke is funny. You're just telling it wrong."
vinnythekidd 10 points 13 hours ago[-]
And THIS, ladies and gentlemen, would be one of the few times where using "meta" would be correct. Remember it. Don't fuck it up next time.
MrWizard45 77 points 18 hours ago[-]
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
howyoumean 27 points 17 hours ago[-]
Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you pleased to see me?
A bit of both. It's a rape.
mr-oblivious 114 points 19 hours ago[-]
A man walks into a gas station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."
kensalmighty 110 points 20 hours ago[-]
How do you titillate an ocelot?
Oscillate its tit a lot.
Da da.
redkobayashi 38 points 18 hours ago[-]
That's my personal favourite joke. I tell it to everyone. Maybe that's why I have very few friends.
oldfashionedguy 25 points 18 hours ago[-]
That and your amputee fetish.
What? You didn't think I knew?
fox_wesley 4 points 3 hours ago[-]
I enjoy that you created a brand new account just to tell this joke, so no one could trace it back to you.
unawarewolf 89 points 19 hours ago[-]
Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot.
aussiegolfer 65 points 18 hours ago[-]
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
aussiegolfer 22 points 18 hours ago[-]
What's big and hard and full of semen?
A submarine.
jongleberry 26 points 17 hours ago[-]
what kind of bees make milk? boobees.
polluteconversation 11 points 16 hours ago[-]
Why did Miss Piggy have to cancel her singing tour?
She had a frog in her throat.
singularapathy 75 points 18 hours ago[-]
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.
pocketwatch 12 points 15 hours ago[-]
what's worse than finding half a worm in your apple?
getting raped.
mushroomblue 6 points 11 hours ago[-]
I tell that one to people all the time. it almost doesn't matter that I'm laughing harder at it than they are.
sugar_rhyme 4 points 4 hours ago[-]
An American, Englishmen and an Irishmen are about to be put to death by firing squad. Holding onto hope, they each devise a way to escape before the inevitable occurs.
The American is first up. The squad commander says "Ready. Aim..." and all of a sudden the American points and yells "Tornado!!" The squad is momentarily distracted and he manages to escape.
The Englishmen is up next. The squad commander readies his men and says "Ready. Aim..." and the Englishmen points and shouts "Hurricane!!" Once again, the squad is distracted and he too manages to escape.
The Irishman is now the only one left. The squad commander is now very annoyed and wants to get this over with fast. He tells his men to focus and not get distracted no matter what the remaining man says. The squad lines up their guns and the commander says "Ready. Aim..." and the Irishmen points and yells "FIRE!"
TheUberDork 53 points 17 hours ago[-]
A guy is checking into a hotel and ask the clerk .."is the porn channel in my room disabled?"
"No.. it's regular porn, you sick bastard"
andrewlinn 92 points 20 hours ago* [-]
How many Marxists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. The bulb contains within it the seeds of it's own revolution.
jasontimmer 20 points 11 hours ago[-]
Kind of like incest- generally relative but not always apparent.
fivecuilscrazy 9 points 15 hours ago[-]
I've heard this 2 other ways: How many Republicans does i take to change a lightbulb?
1) None, they only screw the poor. 2) 3. 1 to change the light bulb and 2 to steady the chandelier
aussiegolfer 45 points 18 hours ago[-]
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2, but how did they get in there????
howyoumean 19 points 17 hours ago[-]
How many addicts does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. Two. Three. OK, four, and that's it. Five, and I'm leaving.
IAmWillIAm 5 points 3 hours ago[-]
I heard that joke before it was funny.
Space_Poet 1 point 25 minutes ago[-]
How many Jersians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? What the fuck's it matter to yew?
Space_Poet 2 points 24 minutes ago[-]
How many homosexuals does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, but a whole surgical team to get it out.
thecookiemaker 13 points 14 hours ago[-]
How many people with Alzheimer's does it take to screw in a light bulb
jimmux 9 points 12 hours ago[-]
This one works much better when you tell it in person.
Tom, Dick and Harry are three old men who live in a house together. Tom is about to take a bath, and as he steps in he stops with one leg in and one leg out. He calls out, "Hey, Dick! Dick! Was I getting in the bath just now or getting out?"
Dick runs halfway up the stairs and calls to him, "You daft old fart, are you wet or dry?"
Tom calls back, "I'm dry."
"Then you were getting in the bath, you forgetful old coot!"
Tom pauses for a moment, and calls to Harry in the kitchen, "Hey, Harry! Was I going upstairs or downstairs just now?"
Harry calls out to both of them, "You two are completely useless. God help us if my memory ever gets as bad as yours. Touch wood." (At this point you knock twice on a table or some such wooden surface.) "Is someone going to answer the bloody door!?"
2parties1rulingclass 17 points 17 hours ago[-]
How many capitalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. The invisible hand of the market takes care of it.
warnerrr 3 points 2 hours ago[-]
Two hunters are in the woods, when one of them suddenly collapses. He wasn't breathing, and his eyes looked glazed. Thinking quickly, the other guy grabs his cell phone and calls for help.
He shouts at the emergency operator, "My friend is dead! What do I do!?"
"Calm down", the operator says, "I can help you. But first, we need to make sure he's dead."
The phone goes silent, for a second. Then the operator hears a gunshot.
"Ok", says the hunter, "what now?"
soupnatzi 29 points 15 hours ago* [-]
An old lady goes to the doctor for a checkup.
"Doctor" she says, "I have a slight farting problem. I fart constantly. They don't smell or are noisy or anything so you can't really tell, but in the last 15 minutes I've been here, I must have farted some 30 to 40 times"
The doctor gives her some pills and asks her to come back in a week.
Next week, the woman is back in and she's distraught. "Doctor, your pills made it worse. They are still silent, but the smell! Oh God its vile. I can't stand it. Please help!"
The doctor nods slightly. "The pills I have given you have cleared your sinuses. Next, we will work on your hearing"
nkuvu 34 points 16 hours ago* [-]
Q: what's black and would kill you if it jumped on you out of a tree?
A: a grand piano
Q: What's green and has wheels?
A: Grass. I was just kidding about the wheels.
Q: What's the difference between a chicken and a grape?
A: They're both green except for the chicken.
Q. What's the difference between a duck?
A. One of its legs is both the same.
A. It bangs its head together when it walks.
A. Well, [holding out hands as if to demonstrate its size] it's about this colour.
edit: (looking at the downmods) Yep, I get this reaction in real life, too.
aussiegolfer 4 points 4 hours ago[-]
These are all gold. My father tells the duck one, with the punchline "Because the higher it flies, the much."
aussiegolfer 4 points 3 hours ago[-]
I just love all this genre of jokes.
"Why did Suzy fall off the swing? Because she was a loaf of bread!"
"What's red and looks like a bucket? A red bucket. What's green and looks like a bucket? A red bucket in disguise!"
bombyx 76 points 20 hours ago[-]
A surgeon is taking a class of trainees to see a cadaver for the first time. He tells them that it's really important that they familiarise themselves with the corpse, so he says "Do exactly as I do"
He then sticks his finger into the dead guys anus, pulls it out and sucks on it. Then he lines up the students and says "Now your turn."
Obediently, one by one, grimacing as they do, they all in turn, put their fingers in the guys ass and then suck on them.
Once they all complete the task, the surgeon says "It's also important that you learn to be observant. I put my ring finger in his ass and my index finger in my mouth"
doxiegrl1 15 points 17 hours ago[-]
You could nitpick about that as well, but it doesn't seem as important for setting up the joke.
By mentioned "his finger" twice, the audience assumes he is using his same finger, and then after the punchline realized they made a false assumption. However, the way it is currently written, the surgeon only used one finger during the demonstration.
YellowPoison 52 points 18 hours ago[-]
Two cows were in a field, talking. One says to the other "Have you heard about this mad cow disease that's been going around". The other says, "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it".
I always get told off for this joke but I love it.
the_unfinished_I 64 points 20 hours ago[-]
What did the deaf, blind and dumb kid get for Christmas?
Cancer.
jerschneid 53 points 19 hours ago[-]
What's the hardest part about roller blading?
MesaDixon 44 points 18 hours ago* [-]
A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help.
The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lay down & wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up & gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs.
So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, and spends all day havkng sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up & drives them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.
"No", she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
lizardlike 62 points 17 hours ago[-]
[this one is great cause you can the same person twice, if you forget, and it's still relevant]
I think you accidentally the verb
barneystephens 50 points 19 hours ago[-]
what time is sean connery going to Wimbledon?
...10ish
johninbigd 5 points 13 hours ago[-]
I was about to post that I totally didn't get this one...then I got it. Then I LOLed.
narstufian 82 points 22 hours ago* [-]
Why do anarchists drink chamomile?
Because proper tea is theft.
helloshark 2 points 2 hours ago[-]
A scientist was doing an experiment to see the corrolation between colours and flavors and how children percieve them. He got together a group of 10 kids and was feeding them starbursts. He gave the children a purple starburst flavoured like grape. Then asks the children what flavour it was. The children said grape. Then he gave the children a flavour that wasn't a typical starbursts flavour to trick them. He give the children a honey flavoured starburst with no colour. The children had no idea what the flavour was. He tried to give them a hint and said,"It's what your Mommy calls your Daddy." One little girls gasps and goes, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT! IT'S AN ASSHOLE!!!!"
tabris 17 points 18 hours ago[-]
What's the hardest thing about having a baby?
Getting the nappy off.
What the hardest thing about nailing a baby to a wall?
My dick while doing it.
What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls, and a truck full of babies?
You can't shift the bowling balls with a pitchfork.
I should probably stop now.
IAmWillIAm 1 point 3 hours ago[-]
What happens if you put a baby in the microwave for 10 minutes?
I don't know, I was too busy jerking off.
What's the difference between a dead baby and a hamburger?
I don't jerk off in my hamburger before I eat it.
How many babies does it take to paint a house red?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
What's the difference between a baby and a bag of coffee?
I don't have a bag of coffee ground up in my freezer.
colkowalski 35 points 19 hours ago[-]
How do you get a baby out of a bledner?
Doritos.
keyboardduder 18 points 19 hours ago[-]
No, its why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?
To see the expression on it's face.
How do you get it out?
Doritos.
verylowsodium 37 points 18 hours ago[-]
What does Michael Jackson and caviar have in common?
They both come on little crackers.
pwscott 7 points 9 hours ago* [-]
"A man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone, so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong; he puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits a birdie. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow! That's amazing! You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood," was the reply. The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "Ok! Where to next?" The frog's reply: "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
The frog and the man go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Ok, frog; now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3,000, black 6." Now, this is a million to one shot that this would win, but after the golf game, the man figures - what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit. Kiss Me". He figures, why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. So, he kisses the frog. All of a sudden, the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
This joke is all in the way you say it. It has to be dead on with the grace of a storyteller or it just won't work right.
whatsit2ya 16 points 13 hours ago[-]
When he pays with a $2o he doesn't get any money back. "Where's my change?" he asks, to which the vendor replies, "change comes from within."
genuinepolitician 27 points 17 hours ago[-]
Why did Hitler commit suicide?
He got the gas bill.
captainAwesomePants 4 points 9 hours ago[-]
How many computer engineers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
They'll fix it in software.
aho 30 points 18 hours ago* [-]
A guy walks into a bar and sees a huge glass jar on the counter filled with $20's. He asks the bartender "good night?"
The bartender replies, "Oh that's the contest jar. It costs $20 to enter, and you have to complete the 3 impossible challenges to win it all."
"What are the challenges?"
"Well, you see that guy by the pool table built like Rambo? You gotta knock him out with ONE punch. Then you gotta go into the backroom, where our rabid dog lives, and pull out all his teeth with your bare hands. Finally, you have to head upstairs and have sex with a 102 year old woman."
So the guy gets wasted, drops $20 into the jar, and charges at the huge guy by the pool table. Sure enough, he knocks him out in one punch. The patrons start to cheer him on as he heads to the back room with the dog. He runs in, then slams the door behind him. All anyone can hear is barking, soon followed by the sound of the dog whining. A few minutes pass and the man emerges from the room, blood everywhere. He announces, "THAT'S TWO! NOW WHERE'S THAT OLD LADY WITH THE BAD TEETH!?"
EDIT: line spacing
honus 29 points 18 hours ago[-]
An Englishman, an American and an Irishman are all sitting in a pub, each with a pint of beer. Odd as it may be, each beer comes to the man with a fly in it.
The Englishman looks at the barkeep and says, "Excuse me, sir, but there is a fly in my beer, please give me another."
The American looks in his beer, cocks his head a bit, plucks the fly out and flings it across the bar before drinking the rest of the beer.
The Irishman looks into his glass with a scowl, picks up the offending fly and yells at it, "SPIT IT OUT, YA BASTARD."
rainbowface 7 points 11 hours ago[-]
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "why the long face?" The horse says, "I have AIDS."
bewlaybrutha 1 point 33 minutes ago[-]
a lion is fucking a zebra when suddenly he sees another lion coming over the hill towards them. he whispers to the zebra, "Quick, pretend I'm eating you."
fuckinhell 9 points 12 hours ago[-]
What's the best part of sex with twenty eight year olds? Their are 20 of them.
An elephant is walking through the jungle when she steps on a thorn. She can't reach it with her trunk and it's painful. Eventually a mouse comes by and offers to remove it for her. "I'll take the thorn out if you let me have sex with you" says the mouse. "Well, I guess, this thorn really hurts".
The mouse pulls out the thorn and proceeds to climb to the elephant's back side and has his way with her. Meanwhile, a monkey in a nearby tree has been watching this whole thing unfold and finds it all too funny to bear. He grabs a coconut from the tree and throws it at the elephant, hitting her right on the head. "Ouch!" She exclaims.
"That's right, take it BITCH!" Squeals the mouse.
pocketwatch 14 points 15 hours ago[-]
3 men are selected as the top choice for an elite position with the CIA. Each man is called in separately for a final interview.
The first candidate arrives and the agent says "we need men who do what's ordered of them and are able to ignore their feelings. Your wife is in the next room" he pauses and hands the candidate a handgun "take this and shoot her."
The man freaks out, says he can't do it and leaves. The second man is ushered in. The agent tells him the same thing. The second man thinks about it, picks up the gun and starts enter the other room. He stops, returns the gun and leaves wordlessly.
The third man is ushered in, told the same thing and the agent is barely finished instructing him when the man grabs the gun, rushes into the room and fires 5 times. Then all hell breaks loose.
After several minutes the man emerges bloodied and bruised. "God man, why didn't you tell me there were blanks in there" he gasps "I had to beat the bitch to death."
smoooooov 5 points 9 hours ago[-]
I know blonde jokes are pretty played out by now (plus they get me in trouble with the wife), but this one is by far my all-time favorite:
A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
- The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
- The bouncer is a blonde "biker girl."
- I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
- The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional weight-lifter
- The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously Mister, Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
mellowmonk 1 point 1 hour ago[-]
Two guys are playing golf. Just when one of them is about to tee off, a long funeral procession passes next to the golf course. The man stops, takes off his hat, and bows his head. Once the funeral procession is gone, he puts his hat back on and gets ready to tee off.
"Wow," his companion says. "It's so nice to see that kind of respect nowadays."
"It's the least I can do," the man answers. "After all, I was married to her for 30 years."
col381 2 points 5 hours ago* [-]
A penguin is driving his car, when suddenly it breaks down. He is towed to the local garage and told to wait a few hours while they work out what the problem is.
While he is waiting he walks into town, where he sees an ice cream parlour. "YUM"! he thinks, "I haven't had ice cream for years!". He buys a huge one and gobbles it down greadily.
After finishing, he is still hungry so thinks "why not?" and buys another, then another and goggles them down.
Full to the brim he returns to the garage. He looks at the garage owner and says "so.. whats the problem?"
"It looks like you've blown a seal" says the mechanic.
"Oh No, not at all" the penguin says "I was just eating ice cream!"
Space_Poet 1 point 2 minutes ago[-]
I'v ebeen told that joke as a really cold eskimo broke down and visits a service station, rest of the joke is the same. Your's is sillier, but i think i like it.
synrb 1 point 2 hours ago* [-]
A Zebra dies and goes to heaven. At the gates St. Peter asks him "Are you a white Zebra with black stripes, or a black Zebra with white stripes?". The Zebra tells him that he doesn't know. St. Peter says "Ok, head into that room and ask God." The Zebra asks God and God replies "You are what you are". The confused Zebra heads back out to St.Peter and says "Well he didn't really say, he just said, I am what I am." St Peter replies, "You are a white Zebra, second door on the left." The Zebra asks "How do you know!?" And St. Peter replies "Because black Zebras say 'I is what I is'"
unawarewolf 26 points 19 hours ago[-]
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
ponchoboy 7 points 12 hours ago[-]
So this piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry buddy, we don't serve string here. Get out." So the piece of string walks outside, ruffles himself all up and ties himself in a knot. He walks back into the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Wait a minute, aren't you that piece of string that was just in here?" and the piece of string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
Ma-aKheru 2 points 6 hours ago[-]
As heard on Australian television:
An American, an Australian, and a Chinese dude get shipwrecked on a jungle island. The Aussie says, "Let's split up and work on getting rescued. I'll make a signal fire. American, you build us a shelter. Chinese dude, you go find supplies".
An hour later, the Aussie guy has a big bonfire on the beach going. The American has made a small bivouac out of palm trees. But the Chinese dude is nowhere to be seen.
A whole day passes, no Chinese dude.
So the Aussie and the Yank go scouting for him. They search through the jungle, and find a path. The walk down the path towards a huge tree.
Te Chinese dude jumps out from behind a tree and says, "SUPPLIES!"
unsane6 33 points 22 hours ago[-]
Johnny goes to his father and asks him, "Daddy, what does a vagina look like?" His father hasn't had the birds and the bees talk with Johnny yet, but figures this would be a good place to start. So he asks, "Well, Johnny, do you mean before sex or after sex?" Johnny ponders it for a little while and then asks for a description of both. "Well, son, before sex a woman's vagina looks like a rose bud, glistening in the morning dew. It's the most beautiful thing you'll ever see." Johnny ponders it for a moment and says, "Well that sounds pretty good. What about after sex?"
His father says "Well, son, have you ever seen a pug eat mayonnaise?"
helloshark 1 point 2 hours ago* [-]
Buddha and Einstein are having a conversation up in heaven when they came across a very large brick wall. Einstein turns to Buddha and asks, "What is this brick wall here?" Buddha calmly replies, "Oh, that's the mormons, they haven't realized we're here yet."
penguindies 1 point 1 hour ago[-]
Dude, you screwed it up.
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so he gives it to her.
See, "gives it to her" is a double entendre, "gives her one" is not.
jnm528 16 points 18 hours ago[-]
A man goes to a whorehouse every week.
One week, he goes up to the head mistress and says, "This week I want something different." The head mistress says, "Are you sure? Judy really likes you, she wants to have you again." The man says, "No, I want something different." "Ok...follow me." So she leads him through a few doors and then down a long flight of stairs. They come to a door with a bolt lock on it. She slides it to the right and opens the door. The man glances inside only to see a six foot chicken. I mean this thing is massive, think big bird except sexy. So he turns to her and says, "...You've gotta be kidding me." She says, "Go in...you'll have a great time."
So he comes out three hours later TOTALLY satisfied. Goes home.
Next week he comes back and he goes up to the head mistress and says, "Last week with the chicken was great, but this week I want something different." The head mistress says, "Are you sure? Judy really wants you again." He shakes his head. So the head mistress exhales and says, "Suit yourself...follow me."
This time she leads him up a flight of stairs to a door he's never seen before. She opens the door and inside are 50 guys sitting in a circle around a large rug. He says, "What's this?" "Just go find a place in the circle." So he goes in and sits down. The head mistress walks into the middle of the circle and pulls the rug aside to reveal a trap door underneath. All the guys start excitedly chattering to each other. She raises a finger to her mouth, "Ssssshhhhhh...." They all quiet down. She slowly creaks open the trap door to reveal a pit down below where two women are having sex. All the guys eagerly watch and high five each other. The man who just came in nudges the guy next to him and says, "Man, this is pretty sweet huh?!"
The guy says, "Man, you should've been here last week. There was a guy fuckin' a chicken."
fuglybear 30 points 22 hours ago[-]
I am mortified by the quality of these, so I'm going to save everyone the effort and just link back to a previous thread:
http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/7rxyh/collection_of_totally_offensive_jokes_not_for_the/
pkkid 17 points 18 hours ago[-]
Two guys were sitting at a bar trying to top one another with drunk stories. The first guy says "I was so hammered last night I went home and blew chunks all over my bed!". The second guy replies "That's nothing, last night I was so drunk I accidentally went to my neighbor's house and had sex with my neighbors wife." The first guy jumps in saying "No No No!! You don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"
OBEYURZOMBIEHIVEMIND 10 points 17 hours ago* [-]
“I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... maybe you've seen it.”
Stephen Wright
OBEYURZOMBIEHIVEMIND 11 points 17 hours ago[-]
Did I tell you the joke about Alzheimer's?
sweetlou 173 points 19 hours ago[-]
A man is sitting in his easy chair reading the paper, when his eldest daughter, age 9, runs up to him and says "Daddy, Daddy! Why is my name Rose?"
He replies, "Well, honey, when you were born, we couldn't decide on a name, but just then, a rose petal floated into the room and landed right on your forehead, and that's why we named you Rose."
Just then, his middle daughter, age 7, runs up and says "Daddy, Daddy! Why is my name Snowflake?"
He replies, "Well, honey, when you were born, we couldn't decide on a name, but just then, a snowflake floated into the room and landed right on your forehead, and that's why we named you Snowflake."
Then, his youngest daughter runs up and says "NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNGH"
And he says, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"
fathairyape 27 points 19 hours ago[-]
I LOL'd. Not gonna lie.
zeldamaster666 10 points 16 hours ago* [-]
I'll admit this is my first time hearing this joke in English.
jennekat17 8 points 15 hours ago[-]
Just out of curiosity, what language did you hear it in first? (Different cultures/regions sometimes have a different sense of humour, no?)
zeldamaster666 3 points 8 hours ago[-]
The first time was in Spanish.
kounavi 1 point 2 hours ago[-]
I've heard it in greek (many times, favourite primary school joke). The unfortunate kid's name was Pine. ;D